So now what?

At some point the question had to come up. Well, it did. However almost 5 years later, I feel I have to make a serious attempt to take the plane off the ground and fly away like a butterfly. It’s not that I haven’t tried, trust me I have, multiple times, it’s just that I’m not the only one in my world. I have the kid and the dog, and a house, and a car, and karate and soccer, and church, and the bathroom is not working so I have to fix it, and then the fridge died, and part of the fence is rotting and a section is being held by boards. I wish I had a whole mariachi to help me out, but it’s just a band of 1 and a half, and the half is not that helpful. So I’ve spent the last 5 years working my tail off and I found this job that allows me to be a full time mom and a working mom, and my only goal has been to make sure everyone eats, goes to the bathroom, sleeps and has clean clothes. So, done, done and done. The kid and dog are fine, the house can wait, the car can wait maybe, and I of course, will have to wait…

So, now what? Now me. What about me? The kid and dog are fine right, but what about me? I’m just surviving! I don’t want to just survive anymore, I want to actually smile more and laugh, even if it’s a little bit more. So this job, while it provides and allows me to work and take care of the kid, it’s extremely sedentary, and I put on 30 lbs on top of the 70ish lbs that I had gotten along the way. What?! Exactly. Then my kid tells me God is taking too long, so he asked both Santas that he wanted a dad for Christmas. Kid! Look at me! We can’t get a dad with me looking like this!! Oh good grief! I mean, we could really use a dad around here, don’t get me wrong. I do want somebody, a partner to go out on a date with, someone to love and who’ll love me back. The kid needs a father figure, he needs a man to show him what a man is, and to show him how to shoot and fish and ride horses and set a tent. Not that I can’t teach him all of the above, I can and then some, but that’s not the point. The point is our tiny family needs a man. No, not a sugar daddy, and I don’t want a splenda daddy either. I can hold my own end, thank you.

Alright, back to my point. I know that when the head is in place, everything else works out. My head has been too stressed and tired to think about anything else. I’ve prayed for several things, for a job, for a house, for a car, and God has answered my prayers over and over on His own time. I know that God will continue to bless our lives, but God also wants me to take care of myself, not just for the kid and dog, but for what is coming next. It is also quite depressing to see yourself in the mirror and look at everything that is hanging from your closet and you can’t wear any of it! Alright, so I lost my husband, and our lives have been a little on the crazy busy side, and it’s just me dealing with everything, but I’m tired of being tired and stressed and I’m slamming the breaks. I will take care of myself. I have to, there’s no way around it.

So bear with me, I will make yet another attempt to take off. I’m praying this time I will succeed. The butterfly in me has to take off and fly. So we’re praying, for me to go back to my healthy me, for my beautiful house to be organized and ready so we can have people over. We still haven’t invited anybody to the house. I don’t have time for everything and I have to decide what’s more important. The house and myself are at the end. If you find a mariachi somewhere just sitting there not doing much, let me know, I have more than one job for them. See, you can pray God all you want for something to happen to you or for a job or a house or a boyfriend or a husband. God however, is not going to bring it to your doorstep. Darling, you’ve got to move! Yes, I’ve got to move, and I’ve got to get rid of half of me to begin with. I want to wear my high heels again and feel great about myself. I want my house to look all nice and tidy. I seriously do not know how I will do all of the above but God has to give me the strength to pull it off. God is almighty and there’s nothing that God cannot do!

So, it’ll be 5 years in 10 days. I cannot live my life in mourning, or all stressed and tired. There’s a lot more than this! Enough already! Sam & I survived Richard. I have survived other stuff too. Did I tell you already I had an accident 3 years ago? An illegal drunk driver t-boned my SUV. He missed my door by 1 inch. My kid could’ve been an orphan. God saved me that morning. God allowed me to survive it so I can continue living. I am fine, fat and tired, but I’m fine, but I have to get rid of the fat and tired. I have to move forward to the next chapter of my life. For my sake and my kid’s sake. I loved Richard, and we’ll always love him and miss him. We have to keep walking though, and living and doing and praying and sharing and smiling and laughing. Richard would’ve wanted us to be happy. God wants us to be happy.

I don’t know what God has in storage for me, but I do know God has a plan for me. Whatever it is, I know I’ve been tested over and over in order to give testimony of all the testing I’ve gone though throughout the years. I can share with others what I have learned along the way and share what God has done for me and my kid. I know God will use us to be a testimony of His grace. I know God has something for us but I have to be healthy though, and in better spirits, and fit, and looking the best I can. I have to be a better person, and a better mom, and a better friend, and a better daughter. I have to get out of my cave, and open up my house and my life and be a testimony of what God can do in your life if you just believe in him and let Him do wonders in you.  I’m an expert of hiding in my cocoon but this butterfly has to fly!! It is time! Maybe God will bring us to a dad at HEB in between the meat and fish sections. Hey, who knows what God can do?

In the meantime, I need to walk on my treadmill for a little while…

“Now to him who is able to do to his power that is at work within us,”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s