Husband passed away 7 years ago tonight. It’s been 7 years already. 7 years filled with all kinds of lessons coming from many kinds of man-made and natural disasters. The amazing thing is not what happened on the outside. What happened inside us however, is far more important. Yes, of course there has been physical growth, but the inner growth has been the main thing here.
That night he came home from work, said he wasn’t feeling good, took a shower with the kid, kid screamed bloody murder, husband said he needed to do that more often so kid wouldn’t scream the whole time. Started watching Finding Nemo with the kid, husband headed upstairs, but before that he said how much he loved us, how much he loved his little family. I said we love you back and upstairs he went. I heard loud snoring, went upstairs, he was taking his last breaths.
The kid finally grasped what happened to his dad a little over a year ago. The kid got mad, why did I let his dad die? I didn’t just let him die! I did CPR on him, I called 911, firefighters worked on him for almost an hour. He was gone. Nothing ever happens without God saying so. It took him a while, but the kid finally accepted that we’re nothing but part of a bigger story. We just had to trust the plan. God’s plan that is. Every single thing that has happened in our lives, it was God’s plan. We both learned to trust God blindly.
We have grown in so many ways, husband would be surprised, especially with the kid. I made it my purpose to raise the kid to be a happy kid. He totally is although he has his moments. People can see his light shining from afar. I prayed for this kid, and God gave me this kid, and I’ve prayed for God to give me wisdom to raise this kid for Him so the kid can serve Him one day. I also prayed for a church, God led us to one in which both the kid and I have been blessed greatly.
I grew up in a non-denominational household. I’m the oldest daughter of a pastor. Growing up in a Christian home doesn’t guarantee you’ll believe in God and trust Him with your whole heart and soul though. That is a personal choice. The seed was planted but it was up to me to water it and grow it. I did, you know why? Because I saw early on what happens when you deviate from God’s main road. Yes, bad things happen and they also happen when you think you’re not deviating from the road. Why? Because God had something for me to learn. God wants to make sure that no matter what the devil throws my way, I’ll hold on to Him with all my heart.
The brunt of the storm of our growth happened during the first 6 years. As we approached the 7th year, the kid and I have found clearer skies around us. We have learned that God has pushed us to trust Him, have faith in Him and to follow Him. We have learned all we both have to do is stand up, walk and trust God will show us the way, and He has. God has answered our prayers so many times we had no choice but to continue to trust Him with the next step, and the next step.
You know what’s ironic? At the same time the mom died while we were watching Finding Nemo that night, husband was passing away upstairs. Marlin was a paranoid dad searching for his son Nemo throughout the whole movie. Alright no, I’m not a paranoid mama, more like a stressed-out mama. Well, I know you wish I could tell you I’m the sweetest peach in the basket. Ha! I’m the most imperfect stressed loving mama there is.
I’ve struggled with stress, lack of sleep and weight issues. I know why I can’t lose weight, my cortisol is all jacked up, 24/7. I freak out once in a while, I have very low tolerance for drama, I cannot stand idiots or weak people or people driving slow on the left lane. I just can’t, I don’t have time for that. One thing I can tell you, I have held on to God for dear life. I’ve been holding on to God like Jacob held on to God’s angel until he was blessed. Yes, God has blessed me with the kid, that’s been my biggest most amazing blessing ever!
As imperfect as I am, I love my kid and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. If husband had not found me, if I had not said yes, if we had not gone through 6 years of infertility and 2 in-vitro treatments, him passing away, and everything else we have gone through in the last 7 years, none of this would be happening. Do you know why it’s happened? Because it was God’s plan all along.
It was God’s plan to give Samuel to Hannah when He did. We were meant to be here, I was meant to tell you this, to share my story with you. God brought a man who was imperfect to a woman who was also imperfect, and gave us a kid, who is just like his father by the way. What is the plan for this kid? I don’t know. I can tell you for sure that we are all parts of the puzzle and we all play a role in it.
I know husband was crucial for this to happen, and we miss him every day. I know I was meant to be the kid’s mama. God needed me to be the hard-headed bull I can be crossed with Hulk, crossed with Mary Poppins, and especially crossed with Major Payne! How do you think the kid learned how to ride his bike without training wheels? It sure didn’t happen with Mary Poppins, this Major Payne mama made it happen! You should’ve seen the look on the kid’s face when he finally did it. ‘Mama you said I could and I did mama! I did it mama!’ (heart explosion happening again!!)
No, I haven’t raised the kid as if he was a fragile thing. I don’t talk to the kid as if he was just a child. I would much rather have the kid hear things the way they are from me than from his classmates or teachers or friends or whoever. It’s sad but I’ve realized some people have lost a nut somewhere along the way and I honestly don’t trust them with them feeding my kid information of any kind.
The kid lost his dad, but he has this mama. God brought us both together, and I’m the only human being responsible for this kid and so help me God, I will raise this kid as close to God as I can and in the most conservative way possible. I learned early on that dwelling into feelings was not going to get me anywhere, so I put my gut, instincts and who I am to work. God has been my rock, all I’ve had to do was pray and trust God would lead the way and He has.
Do you know how an air balloon goes higher and higher? By dropping the weights that pull it down. What weights have we dropped? I wish I could tell you I’ve dropped the 100 lbs I’ve carried around as fat, but that’s not exactly it. It’s weight in the form of people, of habits, of things that keep us away from God. We have surrounded ourselves by people who are also in the same tune as we are, and that has lifted our spirits so much and so high.
For the last 7 years I have been both mom and dad, and the kid is aware that should he push one button over another, he may get either Hulk or Mary Poppins or Major Payne, so he needs to choose wisely. Hey, I work Monday to Friday, 8 to 5, I do listen to the Bible on the way to work and on the way home, but I’m not perfect, I do yell at slow drivers, and I lose my patience at home more often than I’d like to, but God never chose perfect people to carry out His orders or His plans.
It’s our hearts God wants, it’s our hearts. Both the kid and I have given our hearts to God because in all honesty, that’s all we can give Him. We have asked for His guidance, for His wisdom, for His Holy Spirit to come live in our hearts and our minds. Husband finally gave his heart to God a couple weeks before he passed away. It only took him about 53 years to do so, but he did. Before tonight is over, 7 years ago husband’s heart stopped.
7 years, 7 days in a week. The 7 days are up, then we get to start a brand new week. A 7 year-week. Tomorrow we get to start a new 7 year-week. I got a Christmas gift at work with an engraved snowflake ornament, and I held up this morning and said ‘hey kid, look, Elsa’s snowflake’ then I sang: ‘let it go, let it go…’, the kid giggle and I said, ‘kid, it’s time to let it go’.
God bless our next 7 year-day week! May God bless your new year!