Coming to terms

When you lose someone you love, part of your heart gets broken.

There is this huge void with pain and grief that come along with the broken heart.

It is different for everybody, it is never the same from one person to another.

How one deals with loss is different as well, there is no right or wrong way about it either.

8 years ago tonight, I lost my husband and my kid lost his father.

I dealt with husband’s death very differently than how the kid has dealt with his dad’s death.

Eventually we lost our dog baby girl, then a guy we cared about, then our dog baby boy. 

It was a couple of years ago when all the losses finally hit the kid, and they hit him hard.

It has gotten better as time passes, but for a long time he had trouble dealing with it.

What is a mama supposed to do? I asked God for help, then I did everything I could to help my kid.

Husband, bless his heart, had his good and bad chips all wrapped into one amazing guy. 

He was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide, but he loved his family, and we loved him. 

I wanted the kid to get the honest version of his dad, so one day he got the good, the bad and the ugly about his dad.

Nope, I don’t mince words in this house. Nope, I don’t keep the kid in a bubble either.

The kid can sue me at some point in life, but for now, I’m doing what I think it’s right for him.

Husband passed away at home from a massive heart attack. It was sudden and unexpected.

He had a heart condition, which got extremely aggravated by his alcoholism. 

As shocking as it was, I had no time to curl up in a corner to grieve my loss. 

The kid was 2 years old when husband passed away, I had 2 dogs that needed me, bills to pay.

There was no time for me to feel sorry for myself. I just couldn’t, so grieving went to a drawer.

I was working full time, we moved to a smaller house, months later, the guy entered the scene.

After some other unfortunate events, my sweet fur baby girl passed away. 

After almost 4 years, the guy left to a meeting in Connecticut and never came back. 

Then my sweet fur baby boy got really old, and he had to leave us too. 

Then it all finally hit the kid. All these losses, hit him like pile of bricks.

If the stages of grief were a parking lot garage, the kid has gone up and down every level.

Sometimes we park longer on one stage then move on to the next. 

Sometimes we go backwards, then forward again. Sometimes one level up, then one down.

If you ask him, he can tell you exactly what he’ll say and do to the guy if he ever comes back.

Let’s say the guy may or may not lose a toe or two or something to that effect. 

When it comes to his dad though, that’s when we spend more time in the parking lot. 

It seems the kid is finally coming to terms with the choices his dad made. 

See, whatever we do now will affect our children one day. I have that very clear.

Maybe husband knew that, but that didn’t stop him from the choices he made. 

The kid wishes his dad would’ve made different choices, but that’s not what happened. 

The kid is within his rights to be mad at his dad, but that is like dragging an iron ball chain around.

Forgiving someone helps letting go of that anger, letting go of that iron ball chain. 

The kid has such a bright light around him, and dragging this anger around is just not right.

We talk it out, then we pray for God to bring the kid peace to his heart and mind.

I see so much of his dad in this kid. 

The way he moves, the way he talks, even how he argues with me. 

When the feelings come, we pray and ask God to help the kid forgive his dad and let go. 

I believe deep in my heart, I was meant to be here, to be this kid’s mama. 

God trusted this kid to me. 

I pray for God to grant me wisdom and His guidance, this kid He gave me is my responsibility. 

I believe all the unfortunate events we have gone through are not just for show. 

This kid will amount to something one day, and I have to make sure he gets there. 

These years have had a lot of questions with as many answers as I can give. 

The rest has been in God’s hands. 

We have had many nights of crying and hugging until he falls asleep while talking things out.

There has been a lot of progress made regardless of the back and forth.

The kid has finally understood that the choices his dad made were not about him.

Even the choices of the guy, were not about me or the kid. Things were just not working out.

We have come to believe that God put people on our path for a reason and a season.

Husband was in our lives for a reason, the guy was in our lives for a season.

We both hope God will bring someone to us for a lifetime, but we’re not there yet. 

The kid knows he has God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in his heart, his mama and 4 dogs by his side.

Only time will tell whether we are or are not on the right path.

The kid seems happy though, somehow peaceful. 

Coming to terms has most likely happened in the kid’s heart.

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