Birds and bees

Yes, we got to that point in life.

The kid is 10 years old. Time for the bird and bees talk.

How did we get here? I was just wiping his butt and now he’s about to get the talk.

I’m his mom, I can see how having both mom and dad having the talk with the kid would be better, but it’s just me so I’ll have to do. 

The kid likes how I explain things anyways.

The school sent this form for me to sign giving permission (or not) for the kid to get the puberty and maturation videos at school.

Good grief dipped in fried chocolate beans! 

The third choice was to watch the videos at home if the kid was getting virtual education. 

Which he isn’t, but it’s a choice, so that’s what we chose after discussing the topic.

Yes, the kid and I discuss things together. We’re team R.

I’d much rather be the one breaking the eggs and making scrambled eggs in his head than letting someone else do the honors.

I paid a pretty penny for the kid, why would I put his precious mind and heart into someone who didn’t paid a pretty penny for the kid?

Before you go omg on me, the kid is the result of a second in vitro treatment which wrapped up the 6-year parade with multiple specialists and all kinds of infertility treatments.

So getting the kid was both painful and expensive. Then his father died, so there’s that.

Anyways. Let me say that I’m not just a mom (and dad), I’m also a nurse. 

The kid grew up watching the Disney Jr channel, just like I grew up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse tv show. 

At some point in life we finally graduated from the Mickey Mouse University and watched mainstream stuff.

I do my best to cover his eyes when there’s kissing and stuff but then OMG mom! Why would you do that!? MOM!!! Oh mom, what are they doing!?

Then one day there’s a scene, nothing explicit though, but to his “what-are-they-doing” question, I blurted out: they’re doing cardio!

What? In bed?! Kid, you can do cardio and push-ups anywhere you like!!! 

So that became a thing. 

You can’t watch this. Why? They’re exercising. Again? Yes. Cardio? Yes, cardio. 

The kid has been hearing me blab about how he was born through the years. 

He asks how he happened, he hears the story. He sees the dogs, I mean 2 boy dogs, 2 girl dogs. 

Of course he’s witnessed regular boy dog girl dog behavior, nothing explicit though.

Not because they don’t, because the kid used to freak out the minute one would try to hump the other. 

OMG!!

Again, nothing explicit with the dogs, but the kid worries that one is hurting the other. 

Kid if you only knew… I learned about it though late in life. Early 30’s.

See, I never saw that while growing up because we never had dogs. 

Parents got one when I was already grown and it was a boy so I didn’t get the excitement.

My parents never had the bees and birds conversation with us. Never. Ever. 

That’s a counselor visit material that I might make public eventually.

So fast forward, husband and I are newlyweds and we get a dog, a beagle, Nike. 

Months later, we get another dog, a beagle, Zoe. 

One day I’m at work, husband calls, tells me he found dogs stuck in the backyard.

Stuck? Stuck how? Well, you know stuck. What do you mean stuck? Like on the fence? No, like with each other. What are you talking about?! Honey, stuck as in they had sex stuck. 

OMG!!!

I hung up, called the vet, asked for a morning after pill for baby girl.

I can still hear the nonstop laughter on the other side of the line. 

64 days later my baby girl was delivering her first litter.

Yes. Discovery made in my early 30’s. Yes. I grew up in a bubble.

Thank you mom and dad for keeping me in the bubble.

Fast forward, the kid now has puppies that are growing up and doing what dogs do.

The kid is freaking out, I’m trying to convey that nobody is getting hurt, the kid is not getting it!!

He sees baby boy doing something to baby girl and he’s annoying her and she’s complaining. 

Let’s say that took a long while to sink in! 

I didn’t explain it with pears and apples, but I just wanted him to know that the dogs were fine!

Now, the kid knows he was an in vitro baby and I showed him his first embryo picture.

Mom, that looks like scrambled eggs. Was that really me? Yes! That’s you!

But mom, how did that happen? 

See, not every kid gets to see that picture, the embryo picture.

So once I thought he could handle it, I finally explained, sort of. 

Your dad had these fishies inside his body and I have these eggies inside my body.

A doctor got them out, mixed them in a dish like scrambled eggs and put them back inside my belly.

Then God did His thing and made you, you grew up in my belly, then on week 35, I was bleeding out, 911, EMS, emergency c-section, NICU and here you are.

So mom, when people are exercising, the scrambled eggs happen with the fishies and the eggies, the mom gets pregnant and the baby is born? Yes, that’s exactly it.

So mom, is that how Nike and Zoe got their babies? Yes, that’s exactly it!

What is a c-section mom? Well that’s surgery. What do you mean? 

Well, have you seen when the surgeon is doing surgery and they open up the person with like this knife? Yes mama I’ve seen that. 

So when babies are born they either come out of the belly through surgery, which is how you came out of my belly, kicking and screaming.

Or, babies come down from down under like remember that movie that the woman had a baby in the castle and I told you that was fake because the baby was too clean?

Oh yes, the baby was all cleaned up! Exactly, but anyways, remember the mom had her legs up? Yes, well that helps the baby to come out easier. 

Mind you, this conversation happened last summer. He was 9 years old.

He’s 10 now and the school wants to do the puberty maturation videos thing.

I’m the one who paid the pretty penny, I’m the one that gets to do the birds and bees talk.

So we both sat down, we watched the video. 

He got grossed out and shocked but he finally put 2 and 2 together.

He thought of the dogs, he thought it would be painful and how much it stressed him out. 

I respect that, I did assure him though that one day, he may change his mind. 

So mom, the sperm are the fishies you talked about and the ovules the eggies?! Yes kid! 

We went over the differences between boys and girls and why it is important to have good hygiene and to respect personal spaces.

We didn’t go too deep into the whole conversation, but I did want him to be aware that one day hormones and things may happen with a girl. 

We talked about how important it is to respect one’s body and to respect other people’s bodies. 

The kid got that, but he’s still grossed out. 

It was time to go to bed, so we stopped the conversation there. 

I understand there’s a time for kids to learn about birds and bees. 

I have explained things though when necessary. In my own words of course.

It feels awesome when the kid is the one approaching me asking for information.

Knowing the kid trusts me and comes to me is just amazing.

I know we will have more birds and bees conversations at different stages. 

I hope he waits until he’s 50 years old to meet the love of his life and marry and have babies.

Well no, maybe not, I won’t be alive then, so it has to be sooner than that. 

Alright, have to go to bed. See y’all later!

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